Every human has emotional, mental and spiritual needs. And certainly those differ from person to person. The trick is who or what you use/ask to meet the needs.
One area that I have observed that is way out of whack is our use of work in meeting needs. Many folks have expectations of their employers that are totally unrealistic. One of the best examples is unspoken (unwritten in most cases) agreement when a job is taken/filled..Often the employee sees it as a statement of worth that "xyz" employer would hire him or her. Conversely, the employer assumes the employee knows that the relationship is conditional. Conditional in that the job remains as long as the economic output justifies it.
I belieive you're responsible for yourself and not your employer. My point is the necessity of going in with eyes wide open. Doing and creating great work doesn't hurt either.
There's a blockbuster movie playing right now. Have you seen this movie? Don't get me wrong, the movie may not be your cup of tea. You may hate it. You may love it.
It's your life.
My reel has been going on for some time now. So many roles and so many questions. The challenge is you can't sit back with a bowl of popcorn and see it unfold. Other people can, though.
Enter Brian.
Brian told me the other week that he's been watching my movie. He gave me confirmation of what I hoped was unfolding (significance versus success). I think I nodded and thanked him with a level of awkwardness. The awkwardness came from my recollection of the times that I screwed up. Those scenes you'd rather have left on the cutting room floor. I still walked away, just the same, happy for the glimpse.
Do you have someone who can tell you what your movie has been like? Here's the trick, if you walk around like a dead man or woman, most people will have a hard time remembering anything you've created. I'm struck by how our world allows human beings to walk around like a zombies.
One of my coaching clients sent me this article on entrepreneurism. Specifically, the coming change in our workplace landscape. Many would say we're under way and I agree. The article includes a telling infographic as well.
So what are you doing about the shift? No drastic measures needed (maybe), just some hard looking and processing. One of the best ways to do this is written planning. Brainstorm the thing and ask lots of questions. By the way, throw the glamour, riches and elation around your employer out the window. This is about your work (the unique talents, gifts and passions forged into one), not your career, not your 401K.
I've written about this topic for some time. It was nice to have a client forward on an article of this magnitude. It encouraged me and it made me realize the work still to be done.
I've been thinking a lot about value lately. Specifically, the conversations and presence with my kids. In the last seven years my core has been fully engaged with them. Not because I'm some rock star at parenting or a nominee for father of the year. Believe me, I've tripped and blown it more times than I care to remember. It has been a God-induced form of luck, struggles and on-purpose effort.
I didn't always find real value in my kids. I loved them and many times justified my career chasing as a benefit they'd reap from. I was afraid and self-absorbed. Always thinking I would get the time, find the time or that time would send me a relationship wrapped in red ribbons. It is about prioritizing and being deliberate about pouring yourself into the relationship. I was humbled by that truth. And, yes, it carries tremendous risk. Living always presents this and there is no living without it.
I'm now at a place where I understand true value and I am learning the art of living it out. Living it out means seeing, in the arena of my family, my relationship with them as equally valuable as a financial pursuit or a social engagement.
Here's the potential rub for you and me. If we're not careful we'll allow our career to dominate the other 7/8ths of life. Like a drug, we'll want (not need) that fix. You know, the feeling of importance, fake significance and most dangerously, identity. Don't fall for this, don't buy into your employer who tries to convince you that their most important should be your most important. Like Steven Pressfield's Resistance, in the book, The War of Art, there is something fighting against your best intentions.
A few years ago a friend of mine told me he thought I was courageous to walk away from a career that had taken over much of my life. I wasn't, but I did see (sometimes not clearly) value in life and living. That truth remains.
Got to thinking this morning about worry and the time extinguished by it. I can't think of one instance in my life where worry has produced a breakthrough, happiness or satisfaction. You are probably thinking I've just entered the "duh" zone because we all know this. Right? The truth is many know, but few do.
So why bother worrying? Who taught us how to worry? Who wrote the book on the 10 Proven Success Strategies of Worrying?
The take-away is found in our lack of embrace of life and the time given (implies a gift) to us on this big ball known as Earth. We don't see our life as a whole, but parts. We pick and choose what we like (usually the pain-fee comfortable ones) and ignore or run from the others. Believe me, I understand that it's not all a matter of choosing the path you might be on. Some of us were influenced by parents, teachers, marketing, and society's version of the truth. We thought we were making the right choice. Like the person who places their trust in someone who seemed honest, but was just a good actor/actress. Regardless of that, we cannot excuse ourselves from making a change for the better.
The value of today has all but been erased in our thought process. We're too busy to stop and look around. Wer're rushing to things and outcomes that we can't be sure have any value at all. Almost like closing your eyes, jumping and hoping that what you've been taught will deliver. This is really a vivid portrait of a culture taking much for granted. We don't stop and ask the tough questions of why, does this fit who I am, is this meaningful to me?
So how much time do you have to get this life in order?
I'm throwing the following out to you as way of stopping you in your tracks:
Stop denying who you are! Stop stuffing the real you in a closet for the sake of the opinions of others. I think Steve Jobs referred to this as "others dogma." If you've decided to put all your chips on being someone else, then prepare to meet the real you further down the road.
Stop thinking you have time to get around to X or Y. This is akind to someone who continues to ignore their human relationships. They figure the other person doesn't need to hear certain words (I Love You) becuase they already know it's true. Goodbye is the usual outcome here. Warped logic.
Stop embracing your career as if having a great career will make everything else fall into place. Listen up, I tried this and it does not work.
Stop bankrupting your opportunities for happiness. This happens when you abdicate the choice of happiness to circumstances, people, etc.
Create a stop-doing list and create the margin your life has been screaming for. A stop-doing list is simply you evaluating the habits, events, etc. and making the concisous decision to stop.
Looking back has tremendous value. I'm not referring to looking back with regret. Looking back with regret usually leads to mental paralysis. I'm speaking of looking back to gain perspective and clarity.
For me, a large part of the looking back thing is getting a sense of the notes God's been playing in the symphony of life. This has helped me be more aware of what the future could look like. My gut becomes centered around knowing what my next move should be. Here recently, the movement in that symphony tells me change is coming in my life.
Now before you think this is some overly spiritual pursuit or a complex riddle to solve, it can be very straightforward if you let it. For example, let's say your history in work has been most successful in large organizations. Maybe you've excelled there because of structure and well-established processes. Now, a new, smaller organization wants you to come on board and do your magic. Looking back will help you understand where you've performed best and what environments work best for you. It doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't work for a small organization because they're still forming, it just means looking back can inform you of where you perform best. It might even be a predictor of your success. I've had to make more than a few mistakes in this dept. to learn this.
The following are what I consider to be keys to the looking back thing:
Stay away from regret when looking back. You can't rewrite history, so no sense in lingering over what could have been. This is hard work and your wellbeing will be the better for it.
Be humble. Don't think of yourself as rock star. An inflated ego will always distort your view.
Look back to inform and keep record of it. Refer back to it often.
Don't look for guarantees. Be willing to make a mistake. Often, mistakes lead to breakthroughs.
Find someone or people to be a sounding board for what you're thinking.
Get a coach. It can help you clear the clutter and find the gold hidden.
Talked with a friend some weeks ago and he told me that he believes people can only be helped when they're ready. I over simplify when I write that I agree. My coaching business is really predicted on the beginning that is being ready. Those that I support are fertile at the point when they're ready. What concerns me is how many don't find themselves ready or even thinking about it. Asleep.
Ten years ago I never took the time to do what I did this past week. I stopped in the middle of a project with the start-up and I went outside to watch my son do his thing on a trampoline. Flips and the joy of telling me about his newest achievement. I was tempted not to. You know, the voice that says the project is very, very, very important. I've learned to ignore that voice most days. I strain here, but readiness took root in me some years ago. My son will be what I was not.
When will you be ready?
The following are some things to consider as you look at your condition of readiness:
Readiness sometimes comes out of nowhere. It's really not an issue of when, but what you will do.
You'll be ready when you realize how little time you have.
Readiness comes when arrogance desserts you and you discover you're not as great as you market yourself to be.
Humility enters where arrogance ends. You'll definitely be ready then.
Readiness is fully clear when you have no other options, not a single one.
I like Miles Davis. Whenever I meet someone who likes Miles Davis, I feel an immediate connection. This feels great. Then I meet someone who likes Kenny Chesney.
This post is about managing relationships.
Some people are just different than you and I. They were wired differently for a purpose. A purpose maybe unknown. We have to apply ourselves to give understanding, patience and grace.
The person who loves Kenny, will probably never like Miles. Trying to change that is a waste of valuable time.
In the U.S., as well as other parts of the world, wellbeing is often measured by an outcome. For example, did you lose the amount of weight you wanted or did you hit your financial forecast? This approach is pretty easy. It's a did you or didn't you proposition. I'm proposing a different approach, a different way to measure wellbeing. Specifically, life is a series of twists, turns, elation's, and disappointments. It's very much like a dance. Imagine a tango here.
For some, measuring growth like a dance could cause more than a few heads to explode. You may even tune me out from here on, but it doesn't change the fact that life has the final say in things. I've never met anyone who ignored the dance of life and came out well.
Five things here to measure growth in your life:
Are you moving forward? Even if it's small steps, are you moving forward?
Are seeing the world differently? Change is measured in seeing things differently. By the way, many will laugh at your new view of things.
Are you wanting to give up? Fatigue is a sure sign that growth is happening.
Do find yourself less interested in applause and validation? Healthy disinterest is a key measuring stick.
My daughter started junior-high this year. It goes without saying, I'm not sure how she got to 13 so quick. Regardless, she decided to try cross country as a sport. I was a little concerned. She showed me that my concern was unfounded. The sport helped her in multiple ways and her team went undefeated. A good first year.
The story that I write about tonight revolves around a chance meeting and something a boy said to me.
At a meet a couple of weeks ago I met a boy who must have been 13. I didn't get his name. But he left a mark (see the quote above) on me. I wasn't expecting the response he gave. I only asked him how his race went.
"I will do better next next time. No excuses."
Those words still reverberate through my soul. We adults would do well to put his words into practice. It's clear we live in an age that carries many questions. Figuring out life can seem like a Rubik's Cube or trying to figure out some complex riddle. For many, life is not what was expected or wanted. We're like that person trying to open a door used to open, but now seems permanently stuck or locked.
This is not a post about a boy's response and how it can change everything. It is about a foundational principle that can carry you to figuring out much. Sort of like a star in the northern sky that confirms your position on a dark sea. It really gives you hope. In the end, you'll go further with this approach in your life, while leaving excuses to those that never really wanted to change anyway.
Life is difficult. The idea that it was supposed to be easy originated with the same folks who gave you the idea of "retirement." Not many will admit to easy, but humanly speaking, we tend to like things to go our way. No indictments here, just looking in the mirror (seeing me).
So what's with the african-american notation? I am always inspired when I meet someone who comes from my culture and wants to achieve through a timeless principle like responsibility-true responsibility. Far too often, the narrative speaks to a different approach. I'm not condemning anything here, I'm lifting something up, namely a young man's intention.
"I will do better next time. No excuses."
So what have I learned from that boy?
There is a next time, Lord willing.
Doing better next time implies that I made a mistake or failed in some way and I've earned the right to try again. It's OK.
My losses need to be in lights, just like my successes.
Failing to take responsibility (true responsibility) is akin to avoiding learning.
Reflection, wherever and whenever I embraced it, has been a faithful friend. Reflection gives you the opportunity to see what went right and what went wrong.
