Why Men Don’t Value Women

Considering where we’re at in America (the world too) today, I felt moved to put this post from 2010 out again. I’m still learning…

Hospital sisters picnic beside the Katherine River, Northern Territory / Arthur Groom

I’ve been thinking lately about what we value and what we don’t.  This is important because our values do define our lives.

For example, if your career is what you value most, then everything (I mean everything) will be second to that.  I’m not writing to judge, just stating a reality.  It’s ironic how little values are considered in our current age.

The above brings me to why men (significant numbers) don’t value their women.  I know this post might generate some scathing comments, but I speak as a recovering jerk in the area of valuing my wife and her motherhood.

I worked, as many readers/subscribers know, in corporate America for many years.  The majority of that was at a senior level.  And yes, I drank the kool-aid, participated in the rah, rah sessions and terminated the employment of people who were deemed disposable.  I was paid well and thought (at times) my path was only going to get better.

During this time my wife gave up her career to raise our two children.  This decision was mutually agreed upon.  The idea of her being the primary care-giver seemed like the right thing to do.  To this day, I would say our children are the better for this decision.

But along the way I began to see our roles as separate and equal.  She took care of things at home and I took care of things career related.  There were times when we’d share the burdens, but I thought little about her struggles and work load.  After all, I saw it as her role/job.  The “taking things for granted” process settled in.

Many times she would call me at the office to vent or seek affirmation.  I gave her words, but not my heart.  Life went on, money was made and security (perceived) became the normal.  We lived this way for almost ten years, and then things changed.  My wife went back to work and corporate America said goodbye to me.   I became a man who did many different things (author, consultant and stay-at-home dad).  All of sudden the world looked strange.  For example, work on the book manuscript and make sure my son got to preschool.  Ironically, after about six months, I found myself longing for affirmation and encouragement from my wife for all of my hard work at home.  I felt like a man exposed by his ghosts.

I don’t claim that my experiences are unique or more important than other men.  But here are the reasons why many men don’t value their wives or motherhood:

  1. As men we are taught early on that money makes the world go round and you’d better work hard to get it.  Therefore, making money becomes part of our root system.  Like a tenacious weed.
  2. We assign roles without understanding or caring.  I made so many assumptions without taking the time to understand my wife’s greatest needs.
  3. We’re too busy (cop-out) to give the attention where it’s needed.  We decide that our wives are fine in our mind, and then we just move on.
  4. We don’t evaluate the magnitude of motherhood.  We don’t consider what our wives went through to carry and birth a child, let alone be the primary caregiver.
  5. Being a wife and mother doesn’t, in form, produce money.  Assigning value becomes tough and we just take it for granted.  If wives and mothers started being paid for what they deal with, we’d probably stand-up and take notice.  But it would be too late to applaud then.

The Eric that walked the halls of corporate America is dead.  The post-corporate America Eric is learning how to live and has been given a chance to be remade.  It’s very difficult to live differently.  But I have found a life worth living-Epic if I may so.

The Problem with Technology

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There are so many cool things about technology. To be living in this time you might feel lucky. If you’re someone like me, who lives with a chronic disease, your literal life may be impacted by the advancements technology brings. I am thankful.

However, there is a problem with technology.

As the advancement has moved at warped speed, so has the decline in the state of human beings. The state of:

  • integrity
  • wellbeing
  • economics
  • status quo
  • culture

The above 5 are just my mine. Would you add something to the list? Do you agree? Do you see the trend? Do you see the danger?

I met with a development officer from a local university a few weeks ago. The research group she helps is doing some really intriguing things in the world of diabetes care, more specifically finding a cure. Their work runs the gamut, from islet cell therapy to using 3d printing as a tool to further expand breakthroughs.

By the time she had completed her story, my head was spinning. It gave me hope and it made me pause.

What good is the work if beneficiaries are determined to kill themselves despite the prospects of a better day?

I told the development officer that some of the dollars raised should be used to fund solving the problem of poor choices. Its the 800 pound gorilla. Would solving that problem fix everything? I’m not smart enough to say, but it’s clear much of what plagues us inside our head would be improved dramatically.

This irony didn’t begin yesterday.

Ed, You and Me

http://youtu.be/KntZqpLHWAw

I watched the above short this past Sunday. It’s a story about Ed, you and me.

I recommend you take 10 minutes to absorb. Just watch and listen, you won’t regret it.

In the days ahead, I will explain why this story struck a powerful chord in my soul. I’ll also explain why we all have something(s) in common with Ed.

Thoughts, Words and Actions

In my last post I gave you a glimpse of how I manage my life. I didn’t quite describe it as “life management,” but you get it.

So if life is a composition, then what are the notes?

Thoughts, words and actions are the notes. They are the power in the music. Thoughts, words and actions will determine the beauty or the ugliness of the composition. Even more importantly, the hearer will be influenced. Daunting.

I’m always floored when I think of how many people manage life by accident. The jumping from thing to thing, just to land in a place I don’t recognize doesn’t appeal to me. I want to make deposits into eternity.

Considering that more than a few people have seen me as a man from mars, for putting so much emphasis on the composition, explains a lot.

I’ve made some mistakes with my choice of notes. I sometimes tried to play a dance song, when I should have played a ballad. I sometimes had the volume too loud, when a soft melody would have sufficed. Just the same, I keep practicing. I keep practicing because I want my life to sound something like this:

The Composition

Miles-Davis-Free

I’ve been reflecting on how life is much like a musical composition. My love for Miles Davis is not a mystery for many, but his art has impacted my life on so many levels. If you read anything about his musicianship, often you’ll find statements about his ability to know where to place notes, and use very few notes to create beauty.

We’ve been given a few notes to play and a limited time to play them.

Every day I wake up, I’m confronted with a composition (my life) and the choice of notes to play. The notes chosen will mean everything-today and into eternity.

Funny, when I was always “busy” I played a lot of notes. A virtuoso to the world, but hollow inside. I can vividly remember thinking the notes were not mine. So why do it? Pressure to be, pressure to say, pressure to find, is all I can come up with. Time has a way of ridding you of this, if you let it. I got older and started wondering “what the hell am I doing?”

Reducing notes in order to play the true ones is not an overnight thing, and at some levels the temptations always lurk in the shadows. My current state has taken almost 10 years to get to. But I am fully alive in the process.

The following is how I approach the composition (life) and the notes I’ve been given:

  • I let God inform me daily
  • I review the melody of the day and play it over in my head and heart
  • I look for opportunities in all facets of life.
  • I don’t have expectations, I take what He gives me and I play
  • I always remember, like Miles, that I only need a few notes.

Beauty follows.

 

 

Blind Spots

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Arrogance produces blind spots. Think of the farmer here, he/she plants the seed, and in the not so distant future there is a crop. The only difference is blind spots are nearly invisible to the human being possessing arrogance.

This is one dangerous game.

Often those who are arrogant pride themselves in having much figured out. There’s no room for not being right. To be wrong is to be less than. Each interaction is fueled by this drive, not to mention the deep insecurities that plagues.

I am a former member of the above tribe. I endeavor everyday to see things as they really are, even if I can’t figure it all out. Some days are misses, and somedays I live out the truth. No matter the outcomes, I know I can’t allow the seed of arrogance to take root. If I don’t stay committed, the blind spots will look like this:

  • I will believe that I have a right to justice. Not the justice from a civic point of view, but from a human relationship perspective
  • I will believe that I am untouchable, even though rationally I know this can never be
  • I will believe my possessions, accomplishments and titles are validations of my point of view
  • I will believe people are a means to an end
  • I will awaken one day and find I am truly alone, and no remedy will be near.

What are your blind spots?

 

No More Taking Things for Granted

A re-post and reminder.

New York - On the rock - Empire State Building

September 11 is only a couple of days away.  For those living in America (and beyond), it is a sacred day.  As well it should be.

I remember much about that day 10 years ago.  It still shapes much of my thinking as a context for the life I lead now.  The events left me exposed.  In the sense that I was trying to find my way with the wrong compass.

I heard the stories of mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters who would never come home again.  I felt sad.  But there I was, taking for granted so much in my life.  I was a little lost and wandering what my role (the real one) was to play.  It took some years after 9/11 to get to the following place:

I am no longer in the business of taking things for granted.

At some point events converged and I began to see my life as a whole and not just parts.  And again, it took me time to understand it and live it.  Twists in the road made for much sickness.  It was a process that I worked (still do) and committed to.  I didn’t want to be that person who woke one day to find he’d never really lived.

An odd thing occurred last week at a talk I attended.  I was asked what my greatest fear was.  The answer:

Not doing meaningful work, paid or otherwise.

For me it was a gut check on what I believe, what I value and whether I was willing to see my mission through until the end.  I know this post won’t bring anyone back or heal a broken heart, but it’s worth noting I am no longer in the business of taking things for granted.  Maybe that’s the best tribute I can give.

5 Questions with Carl Reid, Author of 10 Powerful Networking Tips of Influential People

10 Powerful Networking Secrets of Influential People

Had the pleasure recently to interview Carl E. Reid about his book, 10 Powerful Networking Secrets of Influential People. The book gives some insightful tips on networking, and leaves you with ideas you can implement today. I really appreciate Carl’s heart.

 

In the book you re-tell a story about your wife and a $700 phone bill. Why was that story important then, and still is today?

High tech is no substitute for HIGH PERSONAL TOUCH. Using the phone to stay in touch with people in your network, especially 5 star connections, is the next best thing to “in person” meet-ups. In the mid 1990’s telephone companies were charging per minute rates. My wife was livid every time I paid a $700 to $800 monthly telephone bill. After a couple of years she once commented “you’re always calling people, but very few call you. When they call, they usually want something”. The jaw dropping look on her face was priceless when I responded with “honey, if anything ever happens to me you can call anyone in my contact database and they will help you, without hesitation”. I never again heard another word from my wife about the telephone bill. Pinging people via a telephone conversation or even leaving a voice mail is a personal high touch way of closing the distance gap, no matter where a person lives around the world. It makes for warmer, trusted relationships.

The process you advocate is very organized. What benefits would someone gain by being organized?

Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg said it best “Success is when opportunity meets the prepared mind”. To achieve any worthwhile personal or business endeavor, nimble planning is required. Opportunities can be created by a definite plan of action with completion dates and enough flexibility for unexpected situations. Networking requires organization with scheduling events, reaching potential connections, follow up and most importantly you have to nurture relationships regularly.

What are your thoughts on the current state of networking-on-line and off?

Trusted business associate and author of book “Win The Race For 21st Century Jobs“, Rod Colon says “networking is to a business career what oxygen is to life. You won’t last long without either one”. More than any other time in history, networking in the 21st century plays a vital role for accomplishing personal and business goals. Most people misunderstand networking as being performed only when you need something, not as life time continuous process. Whether networking on-line via social networks on the Internet or meeting people in person (off-line), the trip wire is only focusing on what you want to get out of the relationship. Zig Ziglar says it best “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care”. When meeting people on-line or off-line the most powerful networking statement anyone can say is “How can I help you?”.

Chapter 10 of the book discusses the “Rainmaker.” How important is it for an individual to become a rainmaker?

The truth is anyone has the potential be a Rainmaker. More salary income increases, recognition promotions, job security and business opportunities are bestowed on Rainmakers, before other employees or business owners. Everyone is expendable at work. Being a Rainmaker creates the very cool perception of you being INDISPENSABLE in the minds of those key decision makers. When I was consulting at a high profile bank, I was still left standing when the layoff axe swung at 2,000 employees and other consultants around me. When I asked the director what kept me from getting axed, he said “you provide value beyond what we hired you for and as I’ve seen your networking in action, I think you have people in your network I might need if I get laid off.” The hallowed title of “Rainmaker” is not always bestowed upon the swiftest, fastest, smartest or toughest.

Do you have any stories of networking gone wrong?

During a conversation, just beyond a brief introduction at a networking event, this person says to me “I just realized you can’t help me. Would you mind if I moved on to meet other people?” Without blinking, I say “No problem. Great talking with you.” As he turned away from me, I burst out laughing. He looks back in my direction with a puzzled look and asks me “what is so funny?” In “cool hand Luke” style I say “You’re right, I can’t help you. But I just thought of 3 people in my network who might may be able to help you or be interested in your service.” Once he lifted his jaw off the floor, he tries to back pedal to justify his previous statement. It was so obvious he wanted the names of those people I knew. I cut him off and said “I’m sorry, I have to meet some other people who might need my help”. I turned abruptly and left him standing there. The moral of the story is EVERYONE can potentially be gateway to other people. The pizza delivery person, the UPS guy, a per chance meeting in Walmart, your child’s tutor or the office janitor may provide gateway connections to other people just as easily as those people in your immediate circle. Never discount the value of anyone you meet.

 

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With corporate travels from the mail room to the board room, Carl E. Reid knows what it takes to be successful. An early adopter of Intrapreneur career management, Carl has over 46 years of business experience, including 32 years as a technology expert, 22 years as a business career coach and 25 years as a successful entrepreneur. Carl has been a professional blogger and social media strategist since 2004. In addition to being a sought after speaker and published author, Mr. Reid has coached and inspired hundreds of people to land jobs and start successful businesses. Carl is Executive Director for Empowering Today’s Professionals, career management educational non-profit. Working with over 50 companies in diverse industries during a 46 year business career, some of Carl’s clients include IBM(technology consulting), JP Morgan Chase (global banking), OXYGEN (TV/media), Sotheby’s (auction), New York City Health & Hospitals, Shearman & Sterling (legal), McGraw Hill (publishing), Moët Hennessy – LVMH, Insurance Services Office.
To get a copy of 10 Powerful Networking Secrets of Influential People visit www.10NetworkingSecrets.com – Contact Carl via email IGetSmart@SavvyIntrapreneur.com

Risk

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It didn’t take me long, as a kid, to know I was born an entrepreneur. A risk-taker who understood that to live, is to risk.

 

a person who organizes and manages any enterprise, especially a business, usually with considerable initiative and risk.

 

The above definition is from dictionary.com and notice the word any.

I wasn’t the kid selling lemonade on the street corner for twenty-five cents. Though I had similar ventures way back when. I liken my path as a life entrepreneur, who had varied enterprises, with varying levels of risk. Each of them shaping who I have become today.

I haven’t always gotten it right or been celebrated for my achievements. Quite frankly, some of my biggest successes are ignored to this day.

So I think…

What are you risking today? Are you involved in any tremors or ripples? Have you stood up when most remain seated?

Embrace risk because it is a key to epic living.

Don’t Trust The Beast

Lion

 

A re-post from 2010.

You coexist with your business.  It should not be your friend.  It is a beast and not meant to be trusted.  It demands much, but as it is with a circus lion, a chair and whip are in order.  To think of that animal in any other light only invites ruin.

Sadly, many entrepreneurs, corporate slaves and others have wrapped their identities around the beast.  It is a sad love affair.  Just like the lover who swears this is the last one of many, a broken heart sits in waiting.  By the way, you can know how tightly you’re wrapped by how much you think about the beast.  The more you think, the tighter the wrap.

This post is not meant to talk you out of your business pursuits.  As a matter of fact, it can be a fantastic tool for growth.  The issue is one of ownership, not should I or shouldn’t I pursue a business idea/career.

Here are some solutions to the problem(s):

  1. Buy yourself a chair and whip.  It might be in the form of cutting back on your hours or developing a fitness/exercise program.  If you’re wondering what those two have to do with managing your business, look at the statistics around those who work long hours and don’t pay attention to their health.
  2. Look failure in the face and don’t back down.
  3. Start working smarter and stop trying to do everything.  Rugged individualism may sound great in a speech, but it’s highly overrated.
  4. Re-evaluate your needs.  In America two-thirds of the economy is based on consumption.  Nothing wrong with consumption, but do you really need…
  5. Prepare for battle.  The beast will not like you taking back control.  This one is important.  If you’re not careful you might give up, but don’t.