family Archives - Page 2 of 4

What a Father Leaves Behind

11 February 2014February 11, 2014Eric

Legacy is defined by what I leave behind. For the purposes of this post, what I leave behind as a father. A friend told a few weeks back that he could see my legacy through my work (writing, engagements, etc.). Funny how you sometimes don’t think about those types of things when you’re in the midst. It’s still vitally important, regardless.

My friend also recognized that all people have a legacy. He even believes more world problems would be solved if more understood the implications of their legacy. I agree and way too many don’t even consider it.

I want to leave the following behind for my kids:

A sense that I understand the “fierce urgency of now.” The idea that now matters, problems matter, the fight matters.
Love until it hurts. Much of life will be measured by this.
There’s nothing wrong with making a mistake or failing. Go ahead and risk being laughed at.
Find out what God made you to do. This is destiny and it’s worth the pursuit.
People matter and they deserve your respect.
Position yourself for good luck.
Never let the child in you die.
I love their mother, in my words and my actions.
You must always speak up when evil seeks to silence.
Mindfulness opens the door to loving God.

I’m sure there are more things I want them catch, and not catch. The list represents the lens I see through today.

The Crazy Part of Thanksgiving

27 November 2013November 27, 2013Eric

The crazy part of thanksgiving is we’re not that thankful-at least most of us. It’s not a conscious act that makes us un-thankful. Most people have good intentions. However, as you know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Can you feel me here?

I used to wonder in my homeland why people tend to get thankful at Thanksgiving and during the general holiday season. I don’t any longer. It’s very clear that we Americans like entitlement. Yes, you heard me, we like entitlement(s). Look around and look within, the beast lives within. Whether we’re impatient for traffic to “get moving” or anger that we didn’t get a pat on the back from our employer, we feel like we’re owed. I won’t even pull out my list of embarrassing things in my past that made me feel entitled. I live a different life now than I did in those days past. Just the same, I have to keep careful watch over my reactions to circumstances that don’t cater to me.

Here’s some encouragement to consider:

Take a moment and ponder present or past losses. When you do that, you’ll find out what’s worth being thankful for
Find some way to remind yourself daily to be thankful. I use my iCloud calendar to do this. Find a system that works for you
Exit the stuff not worthy of the gift of time. I can’t figure this one for you, it’s a dance you must do alone
If the herd says go left, you should think hard about going right. The herd got us into this constant state of distraction
Read this profile of a man who knew he was running out of time and did

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Trouble with Entitlement

4 November 2013November 4, 2013Eric

Had a bit of an epiphany last night about entitlement. Specifically, the trouble with entitlement and what it leads too. This post is about human beings. The government issues are for different writers out their in the blogosphere.

The trouble with entitlement is it connects directly with a nasty habit called taking things for granted.

In my world, I often hear family and friends decry taking things for granted. Most of the motivation for this comes from all of us getting the unexpected/shocking news of someone dying or someone losing something valuable. The list includes family, friends, health, and much more. You know the old saying around you don’t know what you have until its gone.

I believe taking things for granted has an evil twin, and his name is entitlement. Entitlement is a deadly trap on multiple fronts. The biggest relates to a since that I’m owed something. For example, I was downloading an update to some software last week. In that process, there was a failure. I had to start over. I caught myself saying something like, “this is not supposed to happen, I don’t have time to wait on this.” Humanly speaking, we’ve all been in that situation. The ugly truth is I felt entitled to technology working the way I wanted. So the story goes.

Our words may not utter what is really going on inside, but we do walk around with this idea that:

“I’m supposed to have smart, successful children.”
“I’m supposed to have a spouse who will not cheat.”
“I’m supposed to have health that doesn’t fail.”
“I’m supposed to have a career that lasts forever.”
“You’re supposed to be there when I need you.”

I’m sure you could add to the above. The truth is we’re not entitled to much. Most of what we have (Life) are gifts. Seems to me, thankfulness should overrule our attitude of entitlement. Imagine what impact that would have on our wellbeing.

Value

5 September 2013September 5, 2013Eric

I've been thinking a lot about value lately. Specifically, the conversations and presence with my kids. In the last seven years my core has been fully engaged with them. Not because I'm some rock star at parenting or a nominee for father of the year. Believe me, I've tripped and blown it more times than I care to remember. It has been a God-induced form of luck, struggles and on-purpose effort.

I didn't always find real value in my kids. I loved them and many times justified my career chasing as a benefit they'd reap from. I was afraid and self-absorbed. Always thinking I would get the time, find the time or that time would send me a relationship wrapped in red ribbons. It is about prioritizing and being deliberate about pouring yourself into the relationship. I was humbled by that truth. And, yes, it carries tremendous risk. Living always presents this and there is no living without it.

I'm now at a place where I understand true value and I am learning the art of living it out. Living it out means seeing, in the arena of my family, my relationship with them as equally valuable as a financial pursuit or a social engagement.

Here's the potential rub for you and me. If we're not careful we'll allow our career to dominate the other 7/8ths of life. Like a drug, we'll want (not need) that fix. You know, the feeling of importance, fake significance and most dangerously, identity. Don't fall for this, don't buy into your employer who tries to convince you that their most important should be your most important. Like Steven Pressfield's Resistance, in the book, The War of Art, there is something fighting against your best intentions.

A few years ago a friend of mine told me he thought I was courageous to walk away from a career that had taken over much of my life. I wasn't, but I did see (sometimes not clearly) value in life and living. That truth remains.

That 10% Part

16 August 2013August 16, 2013Eric

From six years gone by, worth another look.

In my last post I outlined the importance of embracing the 90/10 rule. Today I have something to share from my own experience relating to the 10% part of the rule. You can definitely apply this to your career and many other areas of life.

My wife and I moved our 8 year-old daughter to a new school back in December. I won't elaborate on our reasons, but in the end we thought it better for her to be at a different school. We prayed, we researched and we took action.

It was my thought that my daughter would transition well. My main reason for thinking this way was her personality (social animal who has never met a stranger) wiring. I felt she would make friends, rise to the occasion and the rest would be history.

Now here's what I didn't expect: a little girl that desperately wants everyone to like her. I know those of you out there who are counselors would remind me that I didn't prepare her for the inevitable rejection she would encounter. Fair enough.

My main point here is that-smart or dumb-I really didn't expect this challenge. And I am discovering things about my daughter that I didn't know before. Fortunately, I have a wife who carries much wisdom and I am being sensitive to my daughter's movement through a big change.

So what if I denied that my daughter was experiencing this? What if I ignored it? You know what the results would be.

Here are some specific insights for dealing with the 10%:

You don't have to like what happens, you just have to tackle it head on (delicately in the case of my daughter).
Don't expect things to be easy (change is a process, not an event).
You will make mistakes in your dealing with the 10%. Just ask my daughter on this one:).
Sometimes you're gonna be powerless to do anything. That's OK, you don't have control over everything in life.
There's a reason the 10% could be considered the land of the crucible. Fire makes impurities rise to the surface. We need to get rid of those, and that can be painful.

When You’re Ready

14 August 2013August 14, 2013Eric

Talked with a friend some weeks ago and he told me that he believes people can only be helped when they're ready. I over simplify when I write that I agree. My coaching business is really predicted on the beginning that is being ready. Those that I support are fertile at the point when they're ready. What concerns me is how many don't find themselves ready or even thinking about it. Asleep.

Ten years ago I never took the time to do what I did this past week. I stopped in the middle of a project with the start-up and I went outside to watch my son do his thing on a trampoline. Flips and the joy of telling me about his newest achievement. I was tempted not to. You know, the voice that says the project is very, very, very important. I've learned to ignore that voice most days. I strain here, but readiness took root in me some years ago. My son will be what I was not.

When will you be ready?

The following are some things to consider as you look at your condition of readiness:

Readiness sometimes comes out of nowhere. It's really not an issue of when, but what you will do.
You'll be ready when you realize how little time you have.
Readiness comes when arrogance desserts you and you discover you're not as great as you market yourself to be.
Humility enters where arrogance ends. You'll definitely be ready then.
Readiness is fully clear when you have no other options, not a single one.

Still a Child

24 April 2013April 24, 2013Eric

"Growing younger is the best way to find and keep happiness."

-Author Unknown

As I sat next to my mom at a church service this past Sunday, I realized that I'm still a child. I found that boy whispering in my ear. I'm thankful I've stayed open to the wonder that is life.

In many ways I'm only an adult now by the things I know to be vital to the pursuit of destiny. Otherwise, I have no use for all of the other garbage adults often accumulate.

I like the idea of growing younger, it suits me.

An Update

29 March 2013March 29, 2013Eric

I thought I would take some time to update you on my goings on. Specifically, from my post The Week That Was. My story is a mixed bag.

Fortunately, my wife landed with a new company on March 25. We were also able to get health insurance much sooner than we initially thought, April 1 to be exact.

This is all great news.

The other side of the coin is helping my wife navigate the change. I was truly struck by the "family spirit" that was her working group. They were and are very close. They encouraged one another, consoled one another, they behaved in a way that close families do. The sad reality is they're not a family. At least not in the eyes of corporate America. It reminded me how easy it is for organizations and their people to live in two different realities. One reality based on caring and performance, the other on results and a thing called money. Obviously, great danger follows these opposites.

Another striking result of this process is how little senior leaders know about communication. Specifically, how to say what needs to be said. If I didn't know any better, I would say a bunch of 3rd graders were running the show for my wife's former company and the new one too. If you're a professional, you're supposed act like one.

In the end, I'm looking out for my family and trusting in the One who knows and sees way more than I.

Many thanks for the concern and sentiments you've sent my way.

The Eighth Called Family

20 February 2013February 20, 2013Eric

I thought this would a post worth repeating, considering Monday's post on parenting.

Ask almost anyone you know about how important family is and I'm sure you'll get a unanimous "very." Obviously, not everyone's family looks or acts the same. Nor does the importance factor apply to all assoicated. But one thing's for sure, whether it's a mother, a child or a wife, family is very important to most. It's a heart thing like no other.

Then why is it so ignored and why is it a struggle to manage?

My experience says we live in an age of what we feel versus what we do. It's a dangerous yet romantic exercise. On one hand we think and feel the emotional high of family, and on the other we trample them under the foot of our pursuits. I haven't even mentioned the hard work that is found in family relationships. Not many a newlywed is interested in hearing that the man lying next them will often leave the toilet seat up or have a serious problem with resolving conflict.

So all of this leads us to the question of; is there a way to manage and nurture family and still be able to have all the other stuff of life balance out? Absolutely! But you'd best do this before they (employer, business partners, schooling) start passing around the kool-aid. Very difficult to turn around if you've sold your soul. That said, it's never too late. It's never too late to properly order your life around the 8 areas of life. It takes courage and commitment, but it's never too late start the journey. I'm always fascinated by the trickery we play in our heads. For example, "I'm not smart enough" or "I'm too old." If you truly want this life to be well, then the excuses have to stop. And with all the obstacles I believe.

So what's this "properly ordered life look like? Quite simply, you integrate the 8 areas of life into your daily existence. You won't be perfect and it is tough work. However, there is one result I know you'll appreciate; a life well-lived. And for the sake of this post, your family will be as healthy as your career, your money, etc.

The Impact of Parenting

18 February 2013February 18, 2013Eric

I've been married for almost twenty-two years, fourteen of that as a parent. I am in the camp that can't believe that much time has gone by. It really feels like yesterday for all of the roles-husband and father.

Maybe like you, you have a child that participates in an activity or two. My two, are into dance and basketball. It's in those environments that I observe much. What has struck me in this new year is the impact of parenting. Specifically, when it fails and damages the child. No psych analysis here, just observations that are vivid if you look close enough.

Many children are trying to thrive in the midst of chaos and pain.

We here in America place a lot of pressure on children. From education to athletics, we want them to succeed. Even though most adults have a difficult time defining what true success is. Just the same, we put a lot of pressure on them.

Now add a broken family to the insanity.

For the life of me, I have no idea how we will survive this. I pray often on this. Most cultures don't survive what we've laid at our children's feet. A thirteen or 16 year-old is supposed to be able to handle divorce, grades, hormones, and the list goes on? And as you know, many of these children are alone in the management of the list.

Here's what I'm doing with my children:

Pissing off a business partner when I have to take my son to basketball practice
Sending myself a note via my iPhone everyday that reminds me to affirm
Showing them how much I love their mother
Laughter and humor
Pray everyday for their needs

By the way, the above list used to be very alien to me. It took serious change in my life to move me forward. I am thankful.