This re-post from 2009 is designed to give you some context for a post coming later in the week.
The Moment
I know many are in goal-setting overload right now and as a follow-up to Tuesday's post, I'm going to chime in. Just not in a way you might expect. Here goes:
Don't set any goals for 2013.
The reason is quite simple. Until you have a moment, the moment, setting goals is more wishful thinking. You may feel better that you created a list or have a feeling of temporary validation, but it will fade. Trust me.
In my own journey I have found myself confronted with "the moment" multiple times, even when I didn't want to. The moment is a place and time where there's no more BS and there is the appearence of a crossroads. Sometimes it's life and death, sometimes it's a place where I've been humbled. Either way, the bridge was burned and change was waiting just beyond the flames and embers.
In 2004, my dad had an aortic aneurysm. It was caught in time and they operated to quickly address a very dangerous condition. My dad didn't tolerate anesthetic very well, so his recovery from surgeries could be dicey. On the day of the surgery, my mom called me at work to tell me that he wasn't coming out of the post-surgery anesthetic well and the doctors were concerned.
I went to the hospital that day "put out." I wondered how bad could it really be. You see, I was in a place of prosocuting my dad for his past sins. And I thought this was just another situation to get through. Besides, his sins were the real issues.
I entered his hospital room and found myself surprised and disarmed. He looked so fragile and vulnerable. Not the man I grew up watching. The moment had come. I felt like God was right next to me whispering "it's time to rest your case and forgive." The moment. That set forth a process of learning how to forgive and accept forgiveness. My dad passed away 5 years later.
You should also know that I spent time setting goals around my relationship with my dad in the preceding years. Multiple years of resolving and planning. You know the drill, "I will have breakfast once-a-month, I will go to a baseball game, I will invite him to, the list goes on. I never did it because there was never a moment.
I have learned some valuable lessons in the last few years. Two of the most important ones are the need for the moment and that I don't have to wait for the moment to come to me. The latter implies that you can humble yourself and look at your life soberly and make the move. Regardless, without out the moment goals rarely stick.
You want them to stick.
An Early Morning in June
Celebrating the best of the Epic Living Blog, 2012. Enjoy!
I was 14 in June, 1980. Life was a series of things to get over and get past in those days for me. My grandmother had passed the summer before, my parents had been threatening each other with divorce and my brother was on a path that would surely lead to deep destruction.
It was an early morning in June. Like any morning would be for those who slept the night before.
Things can change.
I awoke on that June morning (don't remember the date) to find our house full of people. I didn't know at the time that those people were police detectives and forensic scientists. It was surreal as I walked down the hall to find my mom and dad. I found my mom sitting in a chair in the living room with eyes that had certainly been crying. I asked in a slow, muted tone, about all the people and what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that my brother was suspected of murdering his girlfriend.
What?
Everything was different now and the months and years ahead would be shaped by something irreversible and tragic. After the police, and even TV news crews, had departed, I saw my dad standing at our front door, just staring motionless.
I felt alone.
In the time sense much has changed and much is still the same. For me, as I look back now, I have discovered why I feel things so deeply, why I have such an urgency about living and why I am an entrepreneur (risk-taker). It has nothing to do with a resume or a career. It has everything to do with getting on with what you've been shaped and called to do. I realized early that the table do turn and even if prepration fails you, you must find a way to recover. I guess on that early morning in June, I realized that safety as advertised was an illusion.
There is no doubt that these traits have gotten me into troube, but I have always seen how God took the good and the bad and shaped them into something I can only describe as art-beautiful art. And even though I've matured and learned about appropriate risk, I also know that strength comes from good things and bad. I wouldn't have it any other way.
An early moring in June is still a part of my destiny. It broke me, grew me and sets a course that my DNA is written all over. My hope is it plays to a backdrop of change.
When Winning Produces a Loss
May sound contrariain, but sometimes winning can produce a loss. From a sports perspective, your team may win the game, but if your star player goes down with an injury, that's a big loss. This can apply to life too. You know, we've been told how great it is to be the one who's in charge or the one everyone wants to hear from. All the while forgetting the price involved.
We've been turned into sheep. We're led along with the herd and told what we must be. All the while being seduced into believing that all of the goods and awards make being a sheep not such a bad thing. And the longer we stay in the herd, the greater the chance we will never have the will to live differently.
The reality is found in understanding that if we win at the expense of something very important, we will lose and that will be the lasting legacy.
I really don't want to insult your intelligence by creating a "here's how" list for avoiding this plague (winning that produces loss). Truth is, most of us know what we need to do (take our spouse out on a date, begin the exercise plan, cut back on work, etc.), it's just our will and courage to do it.
If you're in the category of not knowing, then read this post from awhile back for some direction.
Adult Bullying Creates Child Bullying
Adult bullying is not a place I've gone to very often-directly anyway. I usually leave that to Asher Adelman over at eBoss Watch. He's good at looking at bullying in the work place. However, this story from a couple of days ago got me thinking. As tragic as that story was and is, you can't help but think about the things children are doing these days.
My conclusion on the subject of bullying is; adult bullying creates child bullying.
Modeling over a consistent period of time is what I'm pointing to. The influence that comes from our modeling is a guide book for our children. Our children learn and take their cues from our modeling. Since childhood is a significant period of development we are not surprised by this reality. No prescription for perfection here, but if we adults want to seriously impact bullying in our children, then we need to stop bullying too. We adults do the same shit as our children and we know better.
Scary when you think about what our modeling has done to our children.
Time to turn around…
My Entrepreneur Path and My Son
I've chronicled some of my struggles with the entrepreneur path before, but this post is about the often forgotten beauty of it.
My son is the benefactor here. He was born in the midst of my runnings in the corporate world. He was 4 1/2 when I left. He probably doesn't remember much about the type of man I was in those years of tossing and turning. His reference point of me is during the entrepreneur years. He may have gotten some insight into what running a business looks like. But the following is what I pray he caught:
- The applause and opinion of others is really not important.
- Perseverance is essential to living.
- Love matters more than anything else. Anything else.
- Hope springs from going through tough times.
- My time and touch do matter.
I can't be certain (at least not now) if he has embraced the above list. But it's what I've modeled over the last 6 years-on purpose and by accident. And as I will certainly face times ahead where I will wonder if this path I've chosen is worth it, I will know he is.
While the Kids Get Older
From time-to-time I wonder about how present I've been with my kids. As a parent it's so easy to be waited down by the cares and struggles of life. You might call them distractions of the most insidious form. Whether a career moving in an unpredictable fashion or a fractured relationship with a friend. The siege guns roaring at you. They never seem to stop do they? In the end, tt doesn't matter because time just keeps moving and you wonder how you got where you find yourself.
As my kids have gotten older, my parenting approach has changed. In some arenas I'm more of a teacher. In some areas I'm just a father with no words, just listening. When you watch the change in yourself it reminds you of the brevity of this window you have to influence. And though influence never fully goes away, these are the "wonder" years. As things go, my daughter who is almost a teen, received the holiday edition of the American Girl catalog last week. When she arrived home from school that day, I asked her if she wanted the catalog. Part of me knew she would refuse, but another part of me hoped she wouldn't. Of course she did refuse and I stared at the catalog with a bit of melancholy thinking of girl that had merged into someone new.
The someone new requires flexing and change. It really forces me to move to the new, even if I'd prefer the old. This is a good thing. A way in which God uses to get me out of the land meant only for my memories. Isn't that what we're supposed to be? This unfolding story with highs and lows, smiles and tears. And so I go onward.
I have figured out and accepted that I can't slow it all down. No unhealthy levels of nostalgia. A sense that it would be better to learn how to handle riding a fast and unpredictable horse. And as I learn this art, I can love, listen and influence. And for a boy that had a father that didn't say much of anything at all, I'd say that's a pretty good place to be.
Would You Be Willing?
Some key thoughts on well-being and the choices that connect:
Would you be willing to let work play a smaller role in your actions and thinking, if it meant you could devote more of you to your family?
Would you be willing to make less money, if it meant you would be better able to manage the stresses of life?
Would you be willing to spend less time on watching and following sports, if it meant you could use that time to volunteer in your community?
Would you be willing to change your diet, if it meant you could add 5 years to your life expectancy?
Would you be willing to take a class on communication, if it meant you would have a better relationship with your spouse or partner?
It comes down to your choices. Your life will, and does, reflect that.
Thankful for Today
Today's post is dedicated and in honor of those who are just hanging on or battling demons to fierce for me to know.
Today, only because that's all I've been given, I am thankful for:
- Jesus Christ
- My wife, my kids and my dog
- My friends near and far
- My Health
- My mission
- Running in cool temps
- Music
- The ability to have empathy
- Prayer
- Humor
- Nature
- Wine
8 Areas For Your Attention And Commitment
What if you gave five minutes to your 8 key areas of life today?
It's 1:12 PM EST where I'm at, so for those of my subscribers in Europe and Asia you should apply this on your next day. But for the rest of us, we can fit this in today.
We're talking 5 minutes. A total of 40 minutes out of 24 hours.
Here are the areas:
- Body
- Mind
- Spirit
- Money
- Career
- Learning
- Family
- Social
I fully understand that your career is getting 8 or more hours of your attention, but the point is not perfection or equal distribution of time. The point is attention and commitment to your whole life. I'm recommending starting small in-order to find great. I believe with some effort and desire you might find out how precious your life really is.
Leave a comment and let the community know how your experiment went.