In the age of #metoo, I wanted let you in on my hope for my son.
A Message to Men
The above is a recent photo of my daughter. She’s beautiful, smart and has an authentic spirit. Now that she is an adult, much has changed. I’ll spare you all the things you know and have heard. My post today is not really about her. This is a message to men. The ones who she might date, encounter or run from.
The behavior of men in the current frame is flowing like water from a fire hose. It’s sad and it’s real. I always knew it to be sad, but not real. The “real” came into focus over the last 2 years. Here’s why:
- My wife has endured harassing behavior inside of more than one large employer
- My daughter is heading into a world where immature men seem to be everywhere
- I’ve spoken to more than a few intelligent women who confirm the first two bullets
My message to men is simple:
Think, stop and back off.
If you’re reading this and you’re a man, I’m trying to keep it simple. If you apply the principle of think, stop and back-off, you will contribute to turning this mess around. It is a mess, by the way.
I think the many men are faced with many contributors to creating bad behaviors.
The end of reason is real. Many of us would have to agree that our culture is one of emotion-driven actions, I feel this way, so I behave this way. Reason restrains and asks the tough questions. Without . reason you might feel that every woman wants to…they don’t.
The disappearance of fathers is real. If you didn’t have a father who took the time to explain that women are co-equals, you might take your cues from music or film. Those two are very flimsy foundations to build on.
The dumbing down of leadership is real. You know it’s true, leadership is now caricature and the playground for men who should not be allowed in. I think many men, if their capable of honesty, would agree that most managers don’t belong in the roles given. By the way, your organization shares in the responsibility here.
I have more concerns and ideas, but I think if all of us men would just think, stop and back-off, we might have a shot in a much needed turnaround. It’s kind of a starting over approach. I’m certain that my wife and daughter would value the change.
For My Father
This post is from February, 2009. It was around the time my father died. Today is his birthday, a fitting tribute.
The above is a concert clip of Eric Clapton performing Broken Hearted. The song is beautiful and fitting for me as I lost my father a couple of weeks ago.
If you read my blog for insights on leadership and development, I hope you will allow me to take a road not often traveled here.
I’m now faced with understanding a void like I’ve never faced before. But what is striking me most is all things I’m learning that didn’t occur when my father was living. When you’re playing your part on the stage of life you just can’t see everything the audience does. I write this with tears.
I won’t give you any advice in this post on how to handle losing a loved one. I’m discovering that a broken heart can make way for something God-Touched.
What a Father Leaves Behind
Legacy is defined by what I leave behind. For the purposes of this post, what I leave behind as a father. A friend told a few weeks back that he could see my legacy through my work (writing, engagements, etc.). Funny how you sometimes don’t think about those types of things when you’re in the midst. It’s still vitally important, regardless.
My friend also recognized that all people have a legacy. He even believes more world problems would be solved if more understood the implications of their legacy. I agree and way too many don’t even consider it.
I want to leave the following behind for my kids:
- A sense that I understand the “fierce urgency of now.” The idea that now matters, problems matter, the fight matters.
- Love until it hurts. Much of life will be measured by this.
- There’s nothing wrong with making a mistake or failing. Go ahead and risk being laughed at.
- Find out what God made you to do. This is destiny and it’s worth the pursuit.
- People matter and they deserve your respect.
- Position yourself for good luck.
- Never let the child in you die.
- I love their mother, in my words and my actions.
- You must always speak up when evil seeks to silence.
- Mindfulness opens the door to loving God.
I’m sure there are more things I want them catch, and not catch. The list represents the lens I see through today.
What You See In the Valley
My friend Marc sent the above short to me today…it is well worth the 5 minutes It appears it was made a couple of years ago. I think about where I was at then. Trying to make sense of a new way working and living. Not having the energy anymore to grade people on "style points." Funny how certain images/places in time stir you.
This short clip was timely, considering my struggle to learn how to live differently-in light of my father's passing.
I've cried today more than I have in a while.
Here's what crossed my heart and mind as I watched the above video:
- The last communication I had with my father was a kiss. No words, just a kiss.
- It's never a good idea to pretend…be vulnerable.
- I'm glad God introduced a level of humility to me 3 years ago that I needed desperately. It softened my heart and allowed me to see with eyes of forgiveness and tenderness-specifically toward my father.
- I hugged and kissed my son when he got off the bus today. We've always shared physical affection, but today I needed to plant a seed.
- I don't know when my heart will mend.
- Maybe what's inside me has changed the world (thank you, Robin).
- Even the strong need to allow themselves to be weak.
I have been brief here.
Culture
My daughter is not unlike other teens, she's fighting hard to establish her identity. I didn't always realize how much of a role I played in this. Culture at home, at school, at church, are the battlefields.
I only control the home front.
The implications can be daunting for the following:
- Business doesn't really care how my daughter deals with the fight my daughter faces. Business wants to be my daughter, if not my master. You get me, it wants to be the center of everything. I'm thankful that I had a tough conversation with business letting it know who was master. It's still not easy.
- American society is so full of it. On one hand it wants a good citizen, and on the other, it celebrates the very things that will lead to the opposite.
- The school system is in denial. It believes that a world that no longer exists, still does. Ignoring all facts in-order to protect a status quo.
- The American government is content with leaving my family and my daughter's future in financial ruin. Again, another form of denial in-order to protect a status quo.
- I fight my own ghosts from so many years ago, but I am fighting. Maybe that leaves her inspired and assured.
As I parent, it occurred to me how much she needs me to be REAL. Not some guy who believes that words are not needed or touch is for a baby only. My daughter needs an example of what a REAL man is and is not. She needs my love, my attention and my touch.
BTW, this is so foreign to my history. Change is a great thing.
The End of Busy
I made a decision over the weekend to eliminate the word, thought and feeling of busy from my life. As with any habit, i will stumble. But the point was driven home when I spent some time considering my father and what it means to be a father. My examination of that led me to the conslusion of how time goes at the pace it chooses to go and I can either be reactive or proactive. I choose proactive.
In most situations, busy means you're involved in things that won't be brilliant in eternity, or tomorrow for that matter. Busy can also be a signal that you're living under the dogma of someone/something else. You know what I mean; your managing a life that is not your own. Is that really what you want? Do you want to be handed a script every morning telling what your lines are for that day?
Don't be tricked into believing that you can abdicate the responsibility for your life.
So what's so intoxicating about busy? I think, at least in America, it gives a false sense of meaning and purpose. The idea that the more I'm involved in, the more those things will equal to something good and right. But it's even more insidious when we use busyness as a tool to medicate and cope. Sort of like being able to forget (temporarily) about the real pressing issues that are asking for our attention. It can also disarm those who truly want to help. You make the "I'm really busy" statement and they back away. Ironic how we often reject the cure for what plagues us.
My advice to you is to choose life and find the thing(s) that are exclusive to your DNA and pursue them with a good pace. You'll never be busy again.
A Father’s Lesson
My wife and I were talking about family values a couple of days ago. Don’t worry, this post has zero to do with politics. We were discussing what’s most important to us and how it impacts the rearing of our kids.
The conversation was brought on by the reality of how busy many families are today. Whether its kids in multiple sports, work, extended family obligations or general responsibilities. Many people are overwhelmed, and not so sure their direction is sound.
As we spoke, it dawned on me how important my time is to my kids. Time to look them in the eyes, time to smile at the miracle they are, and time to lead. As tough as it is to live it out, my family is my second most important value. Consequently, I have said no to many good things in oder to say yes to the best things.
The title of this post is very personal and worth sharing because the subject matter was double confirmed when I read this post (The Brand in the Sand) from Anna Farmery. Anna has a wonderful blog that many of you may frequent titled The Engaging Brand.
Anna’s relationship with her father has inspired me before, but this story touched me in a way that can only be defined as profound. You’ll understand after reading her post. But I hope one day my son and daughter will look back and see me in the same brush strokes that Anna paints of her father.