I've been thinking a lot about value lately. Specifically, the conversations and presence with my kids. In the last seven years my core has been fully engaged with them. Not because I'm some rock star at parenting or a nominee for father of the year. Believe me, I've tripped and blown it more times than I care to remember. It has been a God-induced form of luck, struggles and on-purpose effort.
I didn't always find real value in my kids. I loved them and many times justified my career chasing as a benefit they'd reap from. I was afraid and self-absorbed. Always thinking I would get the time, find the time or that time would send me a relationship wrapped in red ribbons. It is about prioritizing and being deliberate about pouring yourself into the relationship. I was humbled by that truth. And, yes, it carries tremendous risk. Living always presents this and there is no living without it.
I'm now at a place where I understand true value and I am learning the art of living it out. Living it out means seeing, in the arena of my family, my relationship with them as equally valuable as a financial pursuit or a social engagement.
Here's the potential rub for you and me. If we're not careful we'll allow our career to dominate the other 7/8ths of life. Like a drug, we'll want (not need) that fix. You know, the feeling of importance, fake significance and most dangerously, identity. Don't fall for this, don't buy into your employer who tries to convince you that their most important should be your most important. Like Steven Pressfield's Resistance, in the book, The War of Art, there is something fighting against your best intentions.
A few years ago a friend of mine told me he thought I was courageous to walk away from a career that had taken over much of my life. I wasn't, but I did see (sometimes not clearly) value in life and living. That truth remains.
Got to thinking this morning about worry and the time extinguished by it. I can't think of one instance in my life where worry has produced a breakthrough, happiness or satisfaction. You are probably thinking I've just entered the "duh" zone because we all know this. Right? The truth is many know, but few do.
So why bother worrying? Who taught us how to worry? Who wrote the book on the 10 Proven Success Strategies of Worrying?
The take-away is found in our lack of embrace of life and the time given (implies a gift) to us on this big ball known as Earth. We don't see our life as a whole, but parts. We pick and choose what we like (usually the pain-fee comfortable ones) and ignore or run from the others. Believe me, I understand that it's not all a matter of choosing the path you might be on. Some of us were influenced by parents, teachers, marketing, and society's version of the truth. We thought we were making the right choice. Like the person who places their trust in someone who seemed honest, but was just a good actor/actress. Regardless of that, we cannot excuse ourselves from making a change for the better.
The value of today has all but been erased in our thought process. We're too busy to stop and look around. Wer're rushing to things and outcomes that we can't be sure have any value at all. Almost like closing your eyes, jumping and hoping that what you've been taught will deliver. This is really a vivid portrait of a culture taking much for granted. We don't stop and ask the tough questions of why, does this fit who I am, is this meaningful to me?
So how much time do you have to get this life in order?
I'm throwing the following out to you as way of stopping you in your tracks:
Stop denying who you are! Stop stuffing the real you in a closet for the sake of the opinions of others. I think Steve Jobs referred to this as "others dogma." If you've decided to put all your chips on being someone else, then prepare to meet the real you further down the road.
Stop thinking you have time to get around to X or Y. This is akind to someone who continues to ignore their human relationships. They figure the other person doesn't need to hear certain words (I Love You) becuase they already know it's true. Goodbye is the usual outcome here. Warped logic.
Stop embracing your career as if having a great career will make everything else fall into place. Listen up, I tried this and it does not work.
Stop bankrupting your opportunities for happiness. This happens when you abdicate the choice of happiness to circumstances, people, etc.
Create a stop-doing list and create the margin your life has been screaming for. A stop-doing list is simply you evaluating the habits, events, etc. and making the concisous decision to stop.
Looking back has tremendous value. I'm not referring to looking back with regret. Looking back with regret usually leads to mental paralysis. I'm speaking of looking back to gain perspective and clarity.
For me, a large part of the looking back thing is getting a sense of the notes God's been playing in the symphony of life. This has helped me be more aware of what the future could look like. My gut becomes centered around knowing what my next move should be. Here recently, the movement in that symphony tells me change is coming in my life.
Now before you think this is some overly spiritual pursuit or a complex riddle to solve, it can be very straightforward if you let it. For example, let's say your history in work has been most successful in large organizations. Maybe you've excelled there because of structure and well-established processes. Now, a new, smaller organization wants you to come on board and do your magic. Looking back will help you understand where you've performed best and what environments work best for you. It doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't work for a small organization because they're still forming, it just means looking back can inform you of where you perform best. It might even be a predictor of your success. I've had to make more than a few mistakes in this dept. to learn this.
The following are what I consider to be keys to the looking back thing:
Stay away from regret when looking back. You can't rewrite history, so no sense in lingering over what could have been. This is hard work and your wellbeing will be the better for it.
Be humble. Don't think of yourself as rock star. An inflated ego will always distort your view.
Look back to inform and keep record of it. Refer back to it often.
Don't look for guarantees. Be willing to make a mistake. Often, mistakes lead to breakthroughs.
Find someone or people to be a sounding board for what you're thinking.
Get a coach. It can help you clear the clutter and find the gold hidden.
When I got the email regarding Dr. Norman Rosenthal and his new book, The Gift of Adverstiy: The Unexpected Benefits of Life's Difficulties, Setbacks, and Imperfections, I was intrigued by the title of the book and his story. Dr. Rosenthal's background, and his coming of age in the Apatheid era of South Africa, are powerful introductions to someone who has faced many depths of adversity. As I look back on my own journey I am convinced that adversity is a gift.
I hope you'll be inspired by the following interview I had the pleasure of doing with Dr. Rosenthal:
Your experiences are vast and diverse. What do you
want the reader to walk away with after reading the book?
I
want the reader to come away with a sense of hope that although adversities are
unwanted and sometimes painful and even disabling, whether they are large or
small, there are often ways out of those dark places and, most important,
lessons to be gained from the journey. Those are the gifts of adversity.
What’s
different about people who accept and work thru the gift of adversity?
People
who are willing to accept reality are ahead of the game-as opposed to those
who deny reality and resort to fantasy. They will assess their situation,
reach out for help and support, and find ways to overcome, and learn from,
adversity. The book offers many specific guidelines as to how to do so.
In your book, you detail the challenges of growing up
in the Apartheid era in South Africa. How did that shape your perspective on
seeing adversity as a gift?
Apartheid
brought with it a great deal of adversity, especially for the Blacks who
labored most under its yoke. Adversity was everywhere in evidence, and I
specifically deal with it, for example, by discussing the lives of the servants
who worked for my family and the torture experienced by a cousin of mine. But the whites also suffered from the guilt of watching and often taking
no action.
What
role does arrogance play in a person’s ability to consider or handle adversity?
An
arrogant person takes on a position of superiority in relation to others. He is unlikely to learn from mistakes because he doesn't acknowledge his
mistakes. Humble people are more likely to learn and grow from adversity. In one chapter I discuss how it is important to learn something from
everyone.
Who’s
inspiring you right now?
My
patients always inspire me by the courage with which they embrace their
problems and the creativity with which they work around them to live rich and
diverse lives. Kind people inspire me. I see kindness every day,
and it warms my heart.
In The
Gift of Adversity by Dr. Normal Rosenthal, the noted research psychiatrist
explores how life's disappointments and difficulties provide us with the
lessons we need to become better, bigger, and more resilient human beings. The
book is available for purchase on Amazon.com
About Dr. Norman Rosenthal
The New York
Times-bestselling author of Transcendence:
Healing and Transformation through Transcendental Meditation, Winter Blues and How to Beat Jet Lag, Norman
E. Rosenthal, M.D., attended the University of the Witwatersrand in his
native South Africa. He moved to the United States and was resident and chief
resident at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital and the New York Psychiatric Institute.
He has conducted research at the National Institute of Mental Health for over
twenty years. It was there that he first described and diagnosed Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD). Dr. Rosenthal is a clinical professor of psychiatry
at Georgetown Medical School and has maintained a private practice in the
Washington, DC metropolitan area for the past thirty years. Rosenthal is the
author or co-author of over 200 professional articles and several popular
books, including Winter Blues, the classic work on SAD. He currently serves as
medical director and CEO of Capital Clinical Research Associates in Rockville,
Maryland, where he directs clinical trials in both pharmaceuticals and
complementary and alternative medicine.
Talked with a friend some weeks ago and he told me that he believes people can only be helped when they're ready. I over simplify when I write that I agree. My coaching business is really predicted on the beginning that is being ready. Those that I support are fertile at the point when they're ready. What concerns me is how many don't find themselves ready or even thinking about it. Asleep.
Ten years ago I never took the time to do what I did this past week. I stopped in the middle of a project with the start-up and I went outside to watch my son do his thing on a trampoline. Flips and the joy of telling me about his newest achievement. I was tempted not to. You know, the voice that says the project is very, very, very important. I've learned to ignore that voice most days. I strain here, but readiness took root in me some years ago. My son will be what I was not.
When will you be ready?
The following are some things to consider as you look at your condition of readiness:
Readiness sometimes comes out of nowhere. It's really not an issue of when, but what you will do.
You'll be ready when you realize how little time you have.
Readiness comes when arrogance desserts you and you discover you're not as great as you market yourself to be.
Humility enters where arrogance ends. You'll definitely be ready then.
Readiness is fully clear when you have no other options, not a single one.
Most people, at least those awake, want to know the plan for their life. Maybe they come at from a God-thing or determined planning. Most people want to know the point and how to get there.
One of the beautiful parts of my mission is I get to share my journey and I carry many of your same desires. Sorry, if you were expecting me to be sitting high on the mountain above you.
I know that's not what you want or need.
My experience tells me that the plan for your life is found in a form of unfolding. It happens in minutes, hours and days. It happens whether you know it or not. It rarely happens in a quick 5 minute video clip, though many spend their lives hoping for this.
Before you think I'm advocating sitting back and waiting for the story to play out or that free will is a myth, you should know how important choices are in building a life. Choices are a very big deal.
Every choice we make sets forth a brush stroke. The brush stroke may be small or it may be large. Either way, it will impact the way your plan looks. We here often about the importance of making good choices, but it's so cliched in our time. Sorta like the advice around exercise. Everyone nods in affirmation, but few do it. The good news is we have a say in the matter.
Here's the paradox, if not riddle, for us all. You're not going to get to see the advance copy of the plan for your life. You've got to live it out. You've got to live out the minutes, the hours, the days. You'll get some confirmations, some glimpses, some feelings of happiness that lead you to a sense of rightness. There will also be the times of confusion and fear. It's a co-mingled affair and and it requires a lot of faith.
We all are dealing with a lot of stress these days. I wish I could tell you that soon it will wind down. The reality is, stress is a constant companion. The key is how we manage it.
Strees should not be your master.
I have found a solution to managing stress. It is found in the things that give me energy-physical, mental and spiritual. Here are some big ones for me:
This post is from back in 2008. We'll need this in the future to come.
The above insignia is for the U.S. Navy Seals. I didn't realize how significant the symbol was until I talked to Erik, whose brother is a Navy Seal.
Erik and I didn't talk much about war or fighting, but we did talk about knowing your limits.
The Seals go through very difficult training in the pursuit of becoming elite. A part of that training is discovering your limits. My understanding is when a Seal discovers their limits they are better prepared for the extreme situations inevitable in their job. Some say enlightenment arrives as well with a discovery of one's limits. I would agree.
So how about you? Have you discovered, and do you know your limits?
In years past I didn't want to know. I thought knowing my limits would bring me too close to the "brink." So many times I chose the expedient and practical The brink is good for you though. I say this, knowing how painful it can be. No one signs up for it (except maybe the Navy Seals) and many times we just want a break.
Here are some ideas around discovering and knowing your limits:
When the storms (business drop-off, health issues, job loss, relationship troubles) come, stop. You're heading into a time of discovering your limits. Ironically, the choice is yours as to the staying and fighting. You could choose an easy route to escape, and many do.
Focus on what is being produced inside of you. This is a future-forward perspective. In other words, a seed is planted, but you don't see the fruit for some time to come. You have to believe.
Prepare for people to desert you. It's not personal, but it is true. Limits are markers for what many people see as dangerous, frightening or pure madness. When you find someone willing to stick with you during your discovery and knowing, you've found someone you can count on.
Don't get bitter or resentful over anything.
Don't be too hard on yourself when the mistakes are made. Mistakes are a part of the process.
The Navy Seals are an elite group of people. They've set a good example of what we all should be willing to do in our career, relationships, health and dreams.
I noticed (paid attention to) my kids and their screens this morning. I, like many, am challenged by what's acceptable for screen time in my home. Apple, Facebook and Google are just a few of the contenders for attention. Their business models are rooted deeply in this.
My post today is not so much about social media, as it is about what we spend our time on in a given day (given is a keyword here). We all have been given 1,440 minutes in each day.
Can you spare 3 minutes?
Sparing 3 minutes is a starting point. It's a starting point for you to discover how much a gift time is and maybe how much time you're wasting on the pursuits that, in the end, won't amount to much.
So what should you do with 3 minutes? Here's a suggestive list:
Take in nature. Right now, where I'm at, nature is sending a love letter to the senses.
Turn off the screens and do nothing.
Look at people and consider where they may be at.
Count all that is going right in your life.
Tell someone you love them-on purpose.
Now go do this every day. You'll still have 1,437 minutes leftover. Who knows, maybe that 3 minutes you spared will grow.
I thought I would take some time to update you on my goings on. Specifically, from my post The Week That Was. My story is a mixed bag.
Fortunately, my wife landed with a new company on March 25. We were also able to get health insurance much sooner than we initially thought, April 1 to be exact.
This is all great news.
The other side of the coin is helping my wife navigate the change. I was truly struck by the "family spirit" that was her working group. They were and are very close. They encouraged one another, consoled one another, they behaved in a way that close families do. The sad reality is they're not a family. At least not in the eyes of corporate America. It reminded me how easy it is for organizations and their people to live in two different realities. One reality based on caring and performance, the other on results and a thing called money. Obviously, great danger follows these opposites.
Another striking result of this process is how little senior leaders know about communication. Specifically, how to say what needs to be said. If I didn't know any better, I would say a bunch of 3rd graders were running the show for my wife's former company and the new one too. If you're a professional, you're supposed act like one.
In the end, I'm looking out for my family and trusting in the One who knows and sees way more than I.
Many thanks for the concern and sentiments you've sent my way.
